i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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