Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
