What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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