I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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