so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
