The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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