I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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