Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
