why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
