My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
