He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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