You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
