I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
