Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
