rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
