Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
