Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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