I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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