I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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