You can't special order awesome
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
