Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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