my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
