I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
