Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
