Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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