girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
only if we run a train.
done.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
