the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
