Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Actions speak louder than pants.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
