I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
