Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
