trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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