your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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