i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
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