Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
