On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I wish you could order shots online.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
