I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
