I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
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