Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
