dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
