i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
