My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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