So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
