Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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