I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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