Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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