yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
