I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
