yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
