my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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