i barfeds in our rink
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
