I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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