I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.