i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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