Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
