Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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